I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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