i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
