Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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