if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All I want is dick and wine.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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