i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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