His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
