I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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