batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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