I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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