Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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