Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
