i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
