I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Sorry about my life...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
