I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My balls are so social today.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
