hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
