I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
