It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You are the jesus of drinking
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
