in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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