what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
