im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
