I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
