Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Terrible idea I love it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize