SEEEEXXX PLEASE
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Randomize
