Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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