I feel like I'm in dance class right now
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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