a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
