I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
