things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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