Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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