I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
