if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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