His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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