This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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