My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
