I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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