College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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