i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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