if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
