Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
