I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
