dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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