Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
