I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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