I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
