We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
