Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
