i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
