we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
