i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize