I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
