Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
