I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize