u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
