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• (646): View more from New York

  My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.

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• (562): View more from California

  I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.

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• (818): View more from California

  Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was literally just a half conscious dildo.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.

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• (319): View more from Iowa

  Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  Is being in jail an excusable absence?

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• (480): View more from Arizona

  Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"

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• (309): View more from Illinois

  My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.

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