I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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