wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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