Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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