I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
