I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
