I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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