just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
