A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
